Monday, August 27, 2012

Conversations with God

When I awoke from brain surgery, I was completely aware and lucid.  I knew immediately that my brain and self were intact.  I could think, I was me, and I tested all my senses.  I spoke to the nurse and was understood. 

In my head, in the gap where the tumor was, I was filled with the presence of heaven.  I saw in my head where an evil had been completely lifted, and instead, there was a blue window into heaven. God was beside me, showing me heaven, and filling me with it.  Blue light, male presence.  He showed me myself as a perfect mirror of heaven, created in perfection, and saved in perfection.  I was alive, filled with heaven, and completely intact.  There were neural connections reforming stronger than ever, through the drug toxins, swelling, and scarring of connections that had to be severed.  That part of my brain just needs time to reform, and there were angels hard at work, filling me with light, scraping away scar and re-establishing connections.  I could hear them and feel them, and urged them to be gentle, because they forget mortals only have so much tolerance to stay in their bodies. 

God gave me a choice.  Stay, and be intact as the real you, completely connected and unhidden, or I will carry you into heaven where there is no pain and only peace.  It was my choice.  He showed me I was already perfect, and had been covering myself with ego slices of achievement to prove something to myself.  That I was strong.  That I was tough.  But I never had anything to prove, because he made me perfect as I am.  Why hide?  I don't need to hide anymore. 

I chose to stay alive to raise my son and to be my authentic self, unhidden, uncovered by ego attachments.  I have nothing to prove.  I have the strength of heaven and angels at my asking.  I see people clearly and hold a space for them to see themselves.  That's my greatest gift, and my greatest thing to hide, because many people don't want to be seen.  They cover their shining with their ego values of achievement and status, pleasing others, and with their misbelief that they must prove themselves.

I asked God why I suffered like this, why this tumor grew, and He said I chose it.  He would never inflict pain, and we never have to suffer to grow.  I chose that path out of ego, and free will is the unbreakable rule.  We choose the suffering we experience to prove to ourselves that we are good enough, and to prove ourselves in a world that glorifies status and yearns for more achievement. 

Our greatest gift to this world is cleaning off that ego dirt from ourselves, and shining in our perfection, just as we were created, fearless and free.  No one has to hide.  Everyone is perfect.  Only you are you, and it was no accident.  That is your greatest gift to the world, to show yourself as you.  Nothing less.  Nothing more.

I chose life for me in the doorway between life and heaven, to become that true authentic self.  I have nothing to prove, or to hide, ever again.  I am fearless.  I asked for no more suffering, and was promised that I would be carried through this, if I just let it go.  I asked for gentle reminders if my ego cropped up again for achievements or status-- a tap instead of a brick to the head, this time please.  I already am important.  I have nothing left to prove to anyone.  So don't try to cover me up with your discomfort.  I'm here to be me.  You should be too.  You are already perfect, and I can see that in you.  If you need strength or protection, call for angels or helpers to come to you.  If you need healing, they will come and fill you with heaven, carrying away all illness.  You only need ask, and to follow your own deepest intuition of what "feels" right for you.

To be continued...

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Stunning News, and Maybe a Window

There's a window in my head.  At least it feels like that at times.  Other times, it feels like a darkness with a scary red light inside.  I'm going to focus on the window, opening up into new possibilities and greater capacities for love and growth.  At least that's how it feels when it doesn't hurt and when I can think straight.

For the past few months, I've been having searing headaches.  Knock you over, weak in the legs, lay you up on the couch for hours headaches.  As a healer, I've tried to relate it to emotional issues-  what I've found to be the source for most physical ailments.  I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself (and that's the sensation in my head). I've been stressed over some long-term difficulties, and finding my place in the world.  I've put off vacation for too long.  I haven't been able to exercise, or had the energy to eat right and all the things I "should" do.  I haven't had the concentration for meditation, and I couldn't physically do yoga anymore, because down-dog hurt my head.  I lost my relaxation outlets.  I've been struggling for a while, and didn't know why or what was wrong with me.  I thought that I just should be able to fix it.

I thought, I'm just getting older (33).  It's from being a mommy of an active, sensitive 4 year old, and running a small business during the worst economy since the Depression.  It's not getting to see my husband enough, or to enjoy outside, because it's so dang hot out there.  It's getting wrapped up in my head too much, not enough play time, and just not enough energy to get enough play time.  Too much on my plate, too little energy to figure it all out.

But then last week, after continued pressure from my family to get it checked out (I'm resistant that way), I found out that I have a large brain tumor in my right frontal lobe.  It's probably been there for close to a year, slowly growing.  As the surgeon explained to me, that's not really a vital area.  That makes me laugh.  You need that frontal lobe for higher thinking, planning, motivation, etc., etc.  Eh, who needs it?  But my senses and my motor functions are intact.  Sometimes I'd drop things, when the headaches would flare up, but I always had plenty of warning to sit down and be safe.  Up until they put me on the medications this week, I'd been driving, walking, and talking normally, just having to take it a little slow sometimes in the evenings.

It's kind of amazing-  All this time I've had this thing in my head, growing bit by bit, while my brain worked around it, establishing new connections.  I've had memory problems, sure, searching for words here and there, but what sleepy mother of a 4 year old doesn't?  I'd walk into a room and wonder what I came in there for.  I had trouble keeping track of my schedule.  I thought, maybe hormones or lack of sleep or exercise?  My body has been craving fish (brain food).  I've been taking it really easy for the past few months, feeling guilty that I didn't do more, but just not having the energy for it. 

I've also been super sensitive and intuitive.  I probably watch too much TV, but I do wonder if my heightened intuition, sense of smell, and touch sensitivity have anything to do with these extra cells in my head.  Or perhaps with the extra connections my healthy brain had to make to keep me walking and talking around a huge barrier.

What an odd sensation.  I'm writing about it now in case later I can't quite access the words later.

It's been a scary week.  Surgery is scheduled Wednesday.  I wish it were tomorrow, but I needed to tie up some loose ends.  There I am still making plans and thinking too much.  I'm making diligent notes on everything, so that if I am completely out of it for a month or more, my bills will be paid, my wishes will be known, and my family will be taken care of.  Do you know how disturbing it is to sign your Last Will and Testament, in front of your husband and teary parents, a week before you go in for brain surgery?  To discuss final details in a "just in case" manner when you're only 33?  It's disturbing, but it does give me peace of mind to know that stuff is taken care of.  I needed that stuff in place anyway.  The timing just wasn't much fun.

On the positive side, I've always known that I'm loved.  My family isn't perfect, but it is rather amazing.  The love is much more palpable now.  I can literally feel it around me.  I hope this will bring us closer, and in a year we can say, "yeah, that really sucked, but what a blessing in disguise!"   People are falling out of the wordwork to ask me if they can do anything.  Yes, bring me good food! :)  and entertainment, in case I can't focus very well. 

Also, like anyone in a crisis situation, I can look back and re-evaluate my life and see that it's been pretty darn good.  I married my best friend and soul mate, the easiest man in the world to love.  I trust him implicitly to take care of me.  I have an amazing son.  Not just amazing, but AMAZING.  He's the sweetest creature you'll ever meet, and an old soul who likes to snuggle.  I experience love often.  Even my dog managed to find me, to take care of me, like that's what he came to the earth for.  I've had a lot of fun times, and a career that I really love.  I've seen healing miracles.  I've grown enough in this lifetime to allow myself to find my own place in life and calling.  I've just been looking to better define it and learn how to do it better.  I found the tools.  And I can forgive myself for not using them as much as I would have liked to because, well, I have a brain tumor!  I've been operating on less than optimal capacity!  I love food.  I love sunrises.  I love the beach.  I really would like to spend more time on the beach, and to jog again.  I want to visit Hawaii within the next year, and do more lazy days.  I don't have a lot of regrets.  It's all a work in process.  I'm pretty proud with what I've done with myself.

So who am I?  In the past year especially I've been examining that.  Am I what I do?  The striver? What I think, the intellectual?  What I feel?  Or is it something deeper than that?  I think it's deeper.  I feel that divine spark that tells me that no matter what happens, the real me will survive, perfectly unscathed.  It's a feeling sense of being.  Of observing.  That's the window.  I used to think that my greatest gift was my intelligence.  That may be diminished after next week, but I won't be diminished.  I was a late bloomer, so I have not put that much thought into my own physical beauty (unless I look really scary- that would not be much fun).  And although I've struggled with valuing myself mostly on accomplishments and striving, I have been able to let a good bit of that go to pursue meaningful dreams instead of direct success.  I could have done this, that, or the other, made great money, had a "success" story, but instead I was brave and became a massage therapist and healer.  That's what I came here for.

Who I am is just like you-  just a fragment of God, like a facet of a huge crystal.  We can't be harmed.  We can't be altered or marred.  We are already perfection.  If I get a little grimy and hidden, I know I'm still there.  If I can't access the words, I can still access the being, the window.

Please pray for me and my family.  Pray away our fears and our pains.  I have a lot to offer the world, and I really hope I get the chance to do so, in whatever capacity God sees fit.  I have a lot of really big dreams!  It's up to God now- I'm turning it over.  Amen to that!